by Neil Ohlenkamp
If Judo players ruled the world…
- After every tournament the competitors would get a chance to randori with the referees.
- There would be 385 different belt colors, so you could get promoted just for coming to a class.
- Only sports that can be done barefoot would be allowed on TV.
- Brazilian Jiujitsu students would all develop a painful rash on their backs so they would have to fight standing up.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to body slam the losers.
- Judo would be a professional sport, and you’d get paid per fall.
- Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
- A referee’s vocabulary would be limited to “Hajime” and “Ippon”.
- Mats would stay clean by themselves.
- To increase training opportunities, bars and nightclubs would be required to have mats.
- Judogis would be acceptable business attire and everyone would have to wear them.
- The old instructors would all be 40 years younger so you could really see how good they are.
- It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. One successful choke would do it.
- Your opponents would always weigh less than your little sister.
- The TV show “Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.