By Neil Ohlenkamp
In today’s crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:
- Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.
- Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a girlfriend or coworker to accompany you.
- In the event that you are mugged, don’t bother the police — call your mother immediately.
- When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
- Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
- If forced to fight, keep the opponent from getting a grip and hope for a penalty.
- Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
- Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
- If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic “mugging” of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, “Oh, no!”
- Take a women’s self-defense class. It won’t protect you from an armed attacker, but you’ll get a chance to bond with your “sisters.”
- Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That’ll show Mr. Mugger!
- If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say “Do Not Rape” on the ass and crotch.
- Keep in mind that it’s hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
- If you must walk alone at night, appear as “street-wise” as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
- According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.
- Remember — you can’t get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).