One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."
What are the three biggest lies told in Judo?
- I haven't worked out in a while.
- Let's play light.
- Oops. I'm sorry.
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"And what kind of sport is Judo?"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?"
Three judo wives were having Sunday tea with Father O'Malley and they were becoming fairly boastful about their respective husbands and bragging about who had the best job, the most income, etc. when one of the wives said, "Father my husband has an Orange Belt in judo and is bald on the front of his head. What does that mean?"
"Well my dear, that means that your husband is a great thinker!" "Ah, yes, you are quite right" said the wife very proudly. The second wife then piped up and said, "But father my husband has his Blue Belt in Judo and is going bald on the back of his head. What does that mean?"
Father replied, "That means that your husband is a great lover." "Ah, yes, you are so right." the 2nd wife said shyly. At this point the third wife, not to be outdone, said, "But then father my husband has a Black Belt in Judo and is bald both on the front and back of his head. Now, what does that mean?"
"Well my dear," said father, "that means your husband thinks he's a great lover." (Contributed by Brian Lamarre)
This man wanted to join a masonic order which only accepted Judo players. He went along on initiation night with two other players, a yellow belt, and an orange belt. The man himself was a blue belt, so he was quite hopeful.
"First of all," said worshipful master Sensei, after everyone had made their rei, "you must prove to us how fit you are, how strong you are, and how resourceful you are. To do this, you must run two hundred yards, scale a fifteen foot wall and cross a six foot moat. This will get you into the animal enclosure at the zoo. You will then throw, hold down, and armlock the largest gorilla in the zoo. After this, gentlemen, you must find, seduce and satisfy my daughter."
The initiation started. The yellow belt twisted his ankle during the 200 yard run and dropped out. Then the orange belt fell off the wall into the moat and drowned. The blue belt however forged on, and entered the gorilla's cage.
The walls of the cage themselves seemed to bulge and shake. There were grunts and groans, and the Masons outside looked at each other in trepidation. Eventually the blue belt staggered out, his obi round his neck, his gi tattered, but on his face the most beatific expression.
"Wow," he muttered, "that was something else". He bowed to the worshipful master and said, "OK, Sensei, so where is this girl that you want me to throw, hold down, and armlock?"
(Contributed by Thomas Fagan)
There were two old buddies who continued to compete in judo tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is judo in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know.
About a week later one of the old judoka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old judoka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him.
"Well, please tell me," asked the surviving judoka. "Are there judo competitions in heaven?"
"I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old judo buddy. "The good news is that, yes, there are judo competitions in heaven. The bad news is that your first match is against Jigoro Kano day after tomorrow." (Contributed by Brian Lamarre)
Tommy's dad brought him to his first Judo competition. Noting that the organizers seemed a little shorthanded he approached the table.
"Good morning," he said to the Director, "you look a little shorthanded. Anything I can do to help?"
"Well it just so happens we're short a fighter for the under 90 kg division," the director replied
"Sorry," Tommy's dad said, "I don't know a thing about Judo."
"That's OK" said the director. "We need referees too."
Two guys were in a dojo when a mad dog came flying in and attacked the smaller guy. The larger guy grabbed a belt and strangled the dog. A news reporter standing by said, "You're a hero!" He wrote in his notebook the heading "Judo Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"
The guy saw the note and said "I am not a Judo player."
"OK," replied the reporter and he wrote down "Ju Jitsu Hero Saves Friend from Savage Dog!"
The guy replied, "Sorry, but I do Karate."
"OK," said the reporter, then wrote down "Savage Kills Family Pet!!"
A Judo competitor, a Judo coach and a referee were all about to be executed by firing squad. They had heard that the executioners were scared of natural objects. The first day the Judo player was placed in front of the firing squad. At the last moment he yelled out "WATER!" and they all ran away. The next day the sensei was brought to the firing squad but he yelled out "WIND!" and they all ran away again. The next day it was the referee's turn. Knowing that it worked for the other two he yelled "FIRE!" ...and they shot him.
My husband and I both started our Judo a little over a year ago at 40 and 41 respectively. Our first Sunday after our first Saturday neither of us could walk except for a slow, painful shuffle. We dropped into a department store to buy heat rub and both stood in the pharmacy staring down at the tube on the bottom shelf, debating how badly we needed it since bending down to retrieve it was surely going to be a killer.
"I'll flip you for it," announced my husband.
"That's what caused this problem in the first place," I answered.
(Contributed by Harvey Emberley/Robbie Sanderson)
Why are the US Senior Nationals always so hot?
Because there's hardly a fan in the place.
Old judo players never die, they just flip out.
Why is the skeleton afraid to do breakfalls?
Because he doesn't have any guts.
Why was the skeleton always left out in Judo?
Because he had no body to go with.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a big guy in a judogi with a worn black belt who has cauliflower ears and looks like he's been around the block a few times.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Johnson, Judo competitor and national champion for 17 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the Judo competitor, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The Judo man goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That Judo man gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be when I have been preaching the gospel all my life?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; but when he entered the dojo, people prayed."
Not many people know this, but Don Quixote was an avid Judo player. One day he and Sancho Panza were riding when Don Quixote spotted some giants practicing uchi komi, so he promptly challenged them to a match. Sancho Panza said "Don't you need a referee?" Don Quixote replied "What about you?" Sancho said, "I don't know anything about Judo," but Don Quixote determined "Then you're perfect."
Don Quixote faced one of the giants and began at Sancho's call of "Hajime!" The giant scored on Quixote's first attempt, then rushing in again Quixote was thrown Makikomi (Windmill). Sancho Panza, being pretty fed up by this time, said "But they're just windmills, sir" to which Don Quixote replied, "Exactly, but I shall still defeat them!"
With this Don Quixote charged in again, getting thrown Makikomi and falling flat on his back. Sancho Panza declared it a valid Ippon and Don Quixote, smiling but shaken, rose to his feet and shaking a fist said, "That's right, they're just windmills."
We all know that Jigoro Kano was the founder of Judo, but do you know who is considered the founder of Judo in America?
Richard Gere, of course. That's why he is called the American Jigoro. (Contributed by Alan Best)
A Judoka was going up to fight the heavyweight champion. When he approached the mat his coach noticed he was hanging back, so he said, "It's all right. Just say to yourself 'I'm going to beat him' and then you will."
"That's no good," he replied. "I know what a liar I am."
President of Judo Club: "Now, what should the colors of our club be?"
Student: "I'd suggest black and blue."
Following another beating on the mat: Coach: "Is your terrible performance today due to ignorance or apathy?"
Athlete: "I don't know and I don't care."
Most of these jokes are original to JudoInfo.com and are copyrighted. Please do not re-use without permission.
Last Updated on Saturday, 10 September 2011 22:59