By Neil Ohlenkamp

In today’s crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

  1. Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.
  2. Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a girlfriend or coworker to accompany you.
  3. In the event that you are mugged, don’t bother the police — call your mother immediately.
  4. When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
  5. Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
  6. If forced to fight, keep the opponent from getting a grip and hope for a penalty.
  7. Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
  8. Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
  9. If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic “mugging” of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, “Oh, no!”
  10. Take a women’s self-defense class. It won’t protect you from an armed attacker, but you’ll get a chance to bond with your “sisters.”
  11. Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That’ll show Mr. Mugger!
  12. If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say “Do Not Rape” on the ass and crotch.
  13. Keep in mind that it’s hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
  14. If you must walk alone at night, appear as “street-wise” as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
  15. According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.
  16. Remember — you can’t get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).

“If we all insist on ‘an eye for an eye,’ soon the whole world will be blind.”
Gandhi

Uchimata in the 2000 Olympics